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After church on Mother’s Day my husband, Jeff, and my two boys, Andy and Alex, were going to take me out to eat. Well, my first mistake was being me and my second mistake was wearing my awesomely beautiful, patent leather, nude, Jessica Simpson 6 inch heels. Jeff asked where I wanted to go and I said Olive Garden at Turkey Creek. For those of you not familiar with Knoxville, TN shopping, Turkey Creek is tres chic Knoxville shopping at its best, replete with shops and restaurants GALORE and a blue million people to go with them! This day Olive Garden was no different as it was standing room only since everyone and (quite literally) their mother was out for Sunday dinner.

Naturally, there was a wait, so I look across the six lane thoroughfare running through Turkey Creek and see a shoe store. I tell my husband Jeff, “Let’s just walk over to the shoe store.” To which he replies after looking suspiciously at my shoes, “Shouldn’t we drive?” (Oh why didn’t I listen, why? WHY!?) And I say, “Oh it’s just across the street!” He then shrugs and says, “They’re your feet!” Well, I make it safely across the three lanes to the median, and step up onto the grass. Then I make it safely across the other three lanes! So I’m mimicking Jeff in my head, “My feet indeed!” Oh how pride cometh! We walked across the parking lot and into the store for a bit until I realize there is nothing there I can’t live without. Then we walk outside and call my Mom to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. She and I talk for a few minutes and the kids chat with her and then we decide to head back across the street because it is almost time for our table to be ready.

Now, it is at the juncture that I will mention the rest of my Sunday attire. I am wearing a new salmon colored dress I got just a few days before. It is super cute, with spaghitte straps, a sweetheart neckline and a tea-length handkerchief skirt. I have on panty hose and the aforementioned 6 inch nude heels. I will also now mention that I have a superpower. It is a built-in humility factor. Anytime I think I look sorta cute in what I have on, God sends an angel down with a 2×4 to whack me in the back of the legs to send me sprawling so I don’t get too prideful. Okay, okay, maybe it’s not a super power, per se, but it never fails. I’m bee bopping along minding my own business when WHACK! I am sent to the ground by what I can only imagine is a snickering angel.

So, back to the story…we decide to head back across the street and the kids hand the phone back to me so I’m chatting with mom and they run ahead. I make it to the median, walk across the grassy part and I’m about to step down when…the earth crashes into the sun! No I’m kidding, I couldn’t have gotten that lucky! Okay, did I mention everyone and LITERALLY THEIR MOTHER was waiting for a table outside of Olive Garden, when…wait for it…wait for it…my heel gets stuck in between the grass and the curb of the median and, I am not making this up, I FACEPLANTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD AT TURKEY CREEK!!! And when I say I FACEPLANTED, I don’t mean I tripped a bit or I took a knee, I mean I fell so fast and so hard that I didn’t even have time to put my hands up to catch myself, especially since I still had the phone in one hand! Now, bear in mind, I am 6’1″ or 2″ in those heels and the median is, like, seven inches off the ground, so I fell a good 40 or 50 feet, give or take!! I am certain it registered on the Richter scale and, since the Butterfly Effect is real, there will be another tsunami to hit Japan, because I am reasonably certain I fell down shortly before the last one and don’t try to tell me that’s a coincidence.

Thankfully, Jeff had the good grace not to laugh at me, he just ran across the street and picked me up…yet again his poor clumso wife is on the ground because remaining upright requires more synaptic activity and grace than I currently possess. Sadly, when it happened I was still on the phone with my mother and I just said, “Mom I gotta go I just fell in the middle of the street.” She either didn’t hear me or its just such a common occurrence that her only reply was, “Okay I love you, bye.” In my mortification, I look up and while normally that road is covered up, there are NO CARS THAT CAN RUN OVER ME TO END MY HUMILIATION. So Jeff helps me gimp back over to the car where I wiggle out of my now shredded panty hose and check my scraped leg and hand. I also notice that I have scraped the finish off my awesome shoes (that almost made me cry!)

Just then, Jeff decides that I must need further humiliation since he announces we should go see if there are any chairs over by the 3,000 people who just saw me laying in the road on my FACE! Okay, okay, it was more like 30 people, but still! We walk over, I sit down beside Alex, and Jeff then decides now would be an awesome time for he and the kids to get my present out of the car, EFFECTIVELY LEAVING ME ALONE WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AND MY HUMILIATION! That lasted about 2 minutes when I skulk back to the car and tell him I will not look at what they are doing, but I will not be left over there! I mean the planet was still trembling with aftershocks from my fall…or it could be that the earth was shaking because that guy at Google Earth was still yukking it up with that 2×4 wielding angel!